countryheart: its been a while since I have been out online..ALONE!
its been a while since I have been out online..ALONE!
Sep 5 2009 at 06:59pm
For those of you who know me.. It's Chuck. I got married to a great guy a few years back up in WA and life has been good. We have had our ups and downs at now we see we have become many things, but friends isn't one of them. If you get married you have to be friends.. there has to be something there besides duty and all.
Early on our trust was tested and from that point on neither of us could get past it. I lead a guilty life because I put the guilt on me and everything steve did seem to make me feel even more guilt wheather it was there or not. So we will see where time takes us. Right now neither of us can see the future and that is sad. There is a true love there, but there has to be more. Today I stopped wearing my ring.. (SAD)
So..from here.. I need to get my life back. I already feel the huge weight lifted off me. The guilt is gone. Why did I always feel guilty? why did I do things that made me look guilty? I always felt I was being watched so I guess I kept adding to the guilt I was packing around until I couldn't carry it any longer. I ended up busting a stool and a glass on the floor. It felt so good to get it all out and let it go. I think Steve feels better that he doesn't have to keep tabs on me any more. Our hope is we can learn to be friends. He wants to move back to WA state and I am here in AZ with my son until he gets a little older. Then I am not sure..I might go back to Missouri where I am from to be with friends and family or I might just trek out on my own and build a new life. I have started a new business here in Williams with an Old Time Photo studio. I have always enjoyed photography. I built my own sets. I worked for a hardware/lumber yard while here in AZ and back in Missouri I built the home my wife and I lived in before she got it in the divorce.
I miss my Mom and Dad and haven't been home to see them since I married Steve. I came out to them when I met Steve and we decided to get married. They were less than pleased. NO SON of thiers was going to be gay. My sister called and cried.."What about heaven??" They are very religious but I told her so am I.. I do believe in God and I know he made me who I am. I want to live somewhere that I can be with my Man and people around us know who we are. Here in AZ our neighbors knew who Steve and I were. My work knew who we are.. Others had no idea and thought we were brothers or whatever. We never flew any flags..we were just us..living life as we could.. and being happy!
Here in the hills of AZ we do get snow. I love the snow. I remember it as a kid in Missouri. As of late in MO is all we get or got was ice. I do enjoy the rain and here in AZ the rain is very few and far between. They say monsoons, but they get lots of water and then the weeds grow..no grass..I miss green grass..and hay.. and the smell of the corn in the fields.. going fishing in the river or a pond. Swiming in the swimming hole.. those are the days..
So here I am.. just wanting to say hey to a few good guys who enjoy making friends.. Im not looking for love.. NOT JUST YET SO DON'T ASK.. PLEASE!
I wasn't a whore before and don't plan on being one now.. or ever.. This Time.. Friends.. then we see where that goes..Im in no hurry..